


the "please don't speak"

by antpelts



Series: losers, geeks, whoever [3]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Comfort, Developing Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Up, Mental Health Issues, Past Suicide Attempt, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:35:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24363649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antpelts/pseuds/antpelts
Summary: “M.. Michael.”“Jeremy?”“Michael.” The third time he said it was stronger, clearer.“Jeremy?” The third time he said it was with the most confused tone thus far. “What.. I. You..?”// part 3 of a three part boyf riends series
Relationships: Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Series: losers, geeks, whoever [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755037
Comments: 9
Kudos: 90





	the "please don't speak"

**Author's Note:**

> the thrilling conclusion! warning for past suicide attempt and talk about depression

“M.. Michael.”

“Jeremy?”

“Michael.” The third time he said it was stronger, clearer.

“Jeremy?” The third time he said it was with the most confused tone thus far. “What.. I. You..?”

“No,” the word was choked out as Jeremy took a shaky step towards him. “Please.”

Michael looked at him expectantly, keeping his mouth shut.

“Please don’t.. don’t say anything yet. I just need.. I need..” For a moment he seemed to rock on his heels before surging forward before he wrapped his arms around Michael’s middle. His breaths were ragged, he muffled them by hiding his face in the fabric of Michael’s shirt.

There was a moment where Jeremy just wanted to sink into the floor - Michael tensed up, arms awkwardly hovering without making any move to hug back. Before he could stumble back, before he could break down, before he could spiral, Michael’s arms wrapped around him. They were strong, stronger than before. He was warm, he smelled like.. pine? A stray memory sparked up in his head, when Michael felt particularly gross he’d spray on room sprays instead of any cologne. Jeremy almost laughed. Instead he took a deep breath.

After a few minutes Michael separated them, pushing Jeremy back a bit - he still held onto his shoulders, keeping him in whispering range. They didn’t meet eyes. Jeremy didn’t care, whatever Michael needed to be comfortable was what he wanted.

“What happened to us?”

If he was being honest, Jeremy had no clue how to respond to that.

“What happened to you?”

That was something he could at least try to speak to. It was on the tip of his tongue. Would it be too much to drop at once? Was it too much? Was he too much? He was aware of a slight flicker in the back of his head, as if someone had struck a match. Before he could think about his words there was something tumbling off his tongue, “red. Do.. do you have red? Uh, do you have more?”

Narrowing his eyes Michael stepped back, releasing his slight hold. Jeremy couldn’t help but slump a bit without the support. Silence settled between them as Michael crossed the room, eyes still downcast as he crouched in front of the minifridge against the far wall. He couldn’t be sure but Jeremy almost thought there was a slight betrayal in that look.

Hesitantly he took a few steps across the room until he stood almost a foot behind Michael. The distance between them felt so small and so large all at once, before he could think about it too hard something was pressed into his hands. The label on the bottle was faded, tearing at the edges. It was cold, a bit heavy in his palm. Cracking it open he took a moment, taking in the artificial smell. 

Finally, they met eyes before Jeremy tipped his head back, taking as large of a sip as he was able before holding the bottle back out. Michael had to pry it away as he took in a few gasps of air, fingers tightening into fists. A dull pain blossomed behind his forehead, growing and spreading. 

The second time was easier.

It hurt a little less.

That didn’t mean it was easy, though. His knees trembled and a whine crawled out of his throat as he bit back any noise that might wake Michael’s moms. There were arms around him, supporting his weight as he swayed, guiding him towards the bed. With a gasp he collapsed onto the mattress, body curling inwards.

Tears pricked in his eyes as his fingers twitched, jaw locking up with the force he clenched it with. A shudder course through him and suddenly he felt every muscle relax, melting back against the blankets, eyes slipping shut.

* * *

“My turn.” Michael’s voice was more commanding than Jeremy had remembered.

Well, he didn’t even remember passing out. There were plenty of things he didn’t remember it seemed, but trying to think was too painful for the time being. He was just glad he didn’t need to be hospitalized this time around.

“Huh?” With a groan Jeremy pushed himself until he was sitting, slowly taking in his surroundings. It was still dark, Michael’s bed was soft underneath him. He struggled to pull his phone from his pocket to check his texts, nothing. For once it was comforting, his dad wasn’t worrying about him needlessly, at least. It was edging on two in the morning and.. he knew he wasn’t quite ready to go home yet.

“My turn. Don’t.. speak?” Something crossed Michael’s face, almost as if he was checking that it was okay to give his demands.

In a silent promise Jeremy just nodded his head.

“First.. you still had your squip?” Hurt flashed in his eyes and he seemed to shrink back a bit. “Ah, shit. You can talk. Sorry, I didn’t think I’d ask a question first.”

“No.. I. It’s fine,” Jeremy mumbled it, rubbing his sweaty palms over his jeans. The pain still lingered in the back of his head, making it hard to speak above a whisper. “Not really? Well, I g-guess I did but it wasn’t.. like that. I thought it was just.. a voice. That nagging voice in your head but.. It never shut up, it never stopped. I.. maybe since it was only destroyed by proximity and I had it for longer than most.. of the others it still.. lingered? I was so.. embarrassed and.. yeah.”

“Right.” Michael’s shoulders relaxed, a quiet sign that he believed him. “I’m still.. mad. Not, uh, about that. You.. I trust you and you.. came to me for red so. Thanks. That means.. a lot.”

Jeremy nodded, swallowing thickly. He gripped his jeans, wincing from the pain that clung to him. His whole body ached, it seemed to get worse by the minute. The discomfort was easy to pick up on, he supposed, because Michael was shifting, shuffling his pillows around. With a hesitant hand he pushed Jeremy’s shoulder lightly, urging him to lay. He gladly accepted.

“I just.. I’m confused. You apologized.. but again you just.. started to disappear. I thought we just needed to take everything slow but you just started disappearing again. No one heard from you, no one saw you. I felt invisible again. I..” There was some rustling as Michael lowered himself so that he was laying next to Jeremy. He kept as much space between them as he could but their shoulders still brushed. “Like I was still just some loser to you. Not worth your time.”

Jeremy winced, on edge as he waited for more words that didn’t come. Something hot bubbled up inside him and he struggled to keep his breaths even - it wasn’t quite anger, maybe something closer to frustration. “I.. I tried to kill myself.”

It hung heavy in the air between them, they both held almost unnaturally still. The regret and the dread started to flow, Jeremy felt the sting of tears in his eyes, pulling in a quiet gasp. Michael had no verbal response, just jolting upwards until he was sitting, looking down at him. Being looked at was too much and Jeremy squeezed his eyes shut, a few tears falling down his cheeks. Another beat passed before he felt a familiar weight against him, Michael lowered himself down onto his side, curling himself around Jeremy.

“Fuck,” now Michael’s breath was shuddering.

“Sorry,” there was a twinge of a lisp behind the stifled sobs. “Shit. I.. didn’t.. I don’t know why I said that.”

“Jeremy.” Jeremy felt the breath against his neck where Michael pressed their bodies together.

“Michael.” His throat hurt from the strain on his whisper. 

“What.. happened?” With a soft grunt Michael pulled himself away, sitting up again. Jeremy tried not to focus on how he felt so much colder without him.

“Wh..” The sound died on his tongue and he drew in a sharp breath before trying again. “What do.. you mean?”

“Tell me everything,” Michael’s whisper was soft enough to coax Jeremy’s eyes back open. Their gazes met finally, hesitant. “What happened to you? I.. want to understand.”

The expression he pulled was something that Jeremy didn’t quite recognize, his own face scrunched in confusion.

“I.. yeah. Okay.” He crossed his hands over his stomach to fidget with his fingers a bit, feeling nervous caught under Michael’s gaze. “I don’t.. know if I really know how but.. I’ll try.”

“That’s all I can expect.” The words were soft and before long Michael was lowering himself to lay again, nudging Jeremy until he lifted his head. He slipped his arm underneath so that Jeremy’s head rested against his bicep. After a moment he couldn’t hold back, rolling over to press against Michael’s chest.

“They have a way.. of talking to you. Of making you listen. It.. it took everything I hated about myself or.. or couldn’t deal with and it amplified it. It showed me.. everything I wanted, told me.. I could have it. Then I..” There was a break in his words where his breath hitched. “I didn’t.. mean to hurt you like that. I was.. so angry. At myself, I guess. I just.. I couldn’t.. I was so mad that you didn’t get it!” 

There was no response, just Michael’s soft breathing. It urged him on.

“Right? Like.. I kinda.. said something back at the.. play, but.. I couldn’t understand how you.. were okay with being you.. not.. not that anything is wrong with you but you.. you were comfortable in your own skin. I’ve never been okay with me! You were.. content but I felt horrible being.. weird. I just.. would get so fucking upset.” Hesitantly his hands moved until they curled into the fabric of Michael’s shirt. “I thought it.. it must have been me. I was the root of all my own.. problems. My.. my mom. My grades. My everything. It.. I thought it could help me. And I don’t.. quite regret being selfish. I just.. regret how I did it. I wish I had been able to do it without hurting.. you. I’m.. trying to understand it now - I.. deserve to feel okay. I deserve to.. to.. uh, look out for myself. I just.. did it wrong. Really wrong.”

Another pause. Michael’s grip tightened around him. Tears slipped off Jeremy’s face and onto the arm under his head.

“Since.. middle school it was just.. every day I went to bed and wished I wouldn’t wake up. I couldn’t.. I didn’t know how to tell you. It was so much worse than.. the scars you saw. I got.. better at hiding it, I didn’t want.. to hurt you.” The tightness in his throat threatened to take over. “When.. it started to work.. I.. I couldn’t help it. I just, like, thought it was.. so obvious. I was obviously the issue because it.. it helped me. I had a date.. I had more friends. So I.. thought I must have been the only thing ruining my life so I.. gave in. I felt like.. I didn’t have another choice. It was.. obey or.. or..”

Jeremy didn’t have it in him to finish the sentence. Obey or.. give up once and for all.

“It took me too long.. to stop using words so liberally. You’re.. not a loser, you know? Maybe we just aren’t.. the social norm but.. yeah. We’re just people.”

“Jeremy.”

“These last few months.. I couldn’t face you. I felt so guilty every.. time I saw you. Everything was a reminder of how I ruined.. everything for.. everyone. And.. and once I was handed what I wanted I threw it all away. I ruined everything for nothing.”

“You made the right choice.” Michael’s words seemed to hang in the air. “I.. was so proud of you for the choice you made. That was the Jeremy I knew. The.. Jeremy I know?”

It was enough to break him, fully. With a wince Jeremy curled against Michael’s chest, sniffling as choked sobs tore from him. A soft hand found its way to his hair, fingers combed through messy curls. Breaths became gasps, Michael’s shirt was damp with snot and tears as Jeremy held him close as he openly cried.

“I.. wish you’d told me.” It was Michael’s turn to crack, voice strained. “I didn’t realize how.. how bad it was. I never meant to be.. insensitive. It was shitty of me to brush it off, like, yeah lots of teens are depressed and anxious but.. you didn’t deserve that. I should have taken you seriously.”

The words drew another round of sobs from Jeremy, his whole body shaking with each breath. 

“Jer, bud? Hey.” With a grunt Michael shifted, maneuvering Jeremy until he could look down at him. “Does your dad know where you are?” 

When Jeremy looked up he saw poorly hidden tears dripping off Michael’s cheeks. He merely shook his head, eyes boring into him. He’d always been Jeremy’s rock, steady and constant. Far too often he’d hide his own feelings, especially when Jeremy was already upset. It made seeing him cry that much harder. All of it was far too much and he ducked his head, pressing back against Michael’s chest.

“I’ll text him.” There it was - simple and steady. It helped keep Jeremy grounded. “I don’t want him to.. think anything bad happened.”

All Jeremy could manage was a nod. His eyelid drooped and he just gave in. Everything ached from his head, to his eyes, to his chest. It had been nearly two years since the last time he’d stayed at Michael’s house and even longer than they’d last shared a bed. He couldn’t help but wonder why’d they’d ever stopped - he couldn’t help but wonder why this had never been enough for him. 

Sometimes, he supposed, everything just needed to break so it could be put back together. And Michael was doing a great job of holding him together, he was warm, he was soft, he.. a sudden heat flushed over his face.

Jeremy Heere was a certified idiot - and not even in a pointless, self-deprecating way. How hadn’t he noticed this before? The tightness in his chest spread, urging him to curl in tighter. In an act of cause and effect Michael squeezed him a bit tighter as well. He felt fuzzy, he felt prickling of a nervous sweat despite the winter chill that seeped into the house. 

Had Michael always smelled so good? Had he always been so comfortable? 

Well, maybe if he hadn’t repressed his sexuality for so many years he might have noticed earlier.

“Michael,” with a jolt Jeremy struggled in Michael’s grip so he could crane his neck to look up at him. “I’ve.. been such an idiot and.. everything is.. is already out on the table so.. why.. I, uh. Can I do some..something stupid?”

Jeremy prepared himself to be shot down, prepared himself for the quirked brow, the confused answer of ‘no’, yet it didn’t come. All that came was a tilt of his head, an expectant look.

That was enough of a prompt for him, trying to force down his nerves as he slid his hands up to rest against Michael’s collarbone. He felt the heartbeat underneath, steady, constant - it contrasted his own rapid heartbeat. For a moment he faltered, opening and closing his mouth. There was no good way to vocalize how he felt, not any way that would be enough. Or, at least, not any way he’d be able to get through without breaking down all over again. So he made good on his word and did something a little stupid.

One shaky hand lifted upwards, pressing against Michael’s cheek, fingers stretched up to push glasses out of the way as he leaned in. Their noses bumped and Jeremy felt Michael’s breath against his lips. There was a hitch of breath and he really couldn’t tell who the sound came from because all he could think about was how warm and soft Michael’s lips were pressed against his own.

A few seconds passed where neither pulled away, tears welled in Jeremy’s eyes - it was overwhelming and amazing. It sparked a newfound confidence in him and his other hand slid up, lightly squeezing his face as he kept kissing him.

Before he could process what was going on Michael was pushing his glasses off and shifting his body weight. There was a soft sound as glasses hit the ground but neither seemed to care, the opposite in fact. Michael’s fingers curled into Jeremy’s hair, one hand propping him up where he hovered over him now. 

The kiss didn’t progress much further, Jeremy didn’t care either way. All he cared about was Michael. Here and now. All that mattered was that Michael was there - with him.

“We still have a lot to talk about,” after a beat he felt Michael speaking, breath brushing over his lips. He kept his eyes closed, relishing their closeness.

“I know.” Jeremy swallowed thickly, squeezing his eyes shut a bit tighter. Another few tears dripped down his cheeks and he held Michael’s face the slightest bit tighter. “Can we just.. a little more?”

The answer he got was the press of lips against his own again.

* * *

“I wished you’d told me,” Michael’s voice was nearly uncharacteristically soft. He was never one for any sort of emotional talk that didn’t eventually become some argument. “Did you.. not think that I.. fuck. Jer, if.. I don’t know what the fuck I’d do.”

“N-No! Shit, no.” He scrambled a bit to sit up, still wrapped in MIchael’s comforter. He held the back of his head, wincing from the movement. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m.. sorry. Sometimes it just.. got so loud. So overwhelming. I couldn’t help but.. listen. I didn’t want to burden you.. more than I already had.”

“How long have you..” Michael gestured with his hands a bit, moving around his room as he got dressed. “Known?”

“Oh,” Jeremy let out a short breath, absentmindedly reaching up to brush over his own lips with soft fingertips. “I’m.. not sure? I never.. really knew who I.. was. For so long I just.. wanted to be something for.. for everyone else. Now I’m me. I get.. to be me. I do what I want, make my own choices and.. I want to choose you. I choose you.”

A sputtered laugh made him jump and Michael covered his mouth with a hand, turning away in a poor attempt to hide the flustered expression that crossed his face.

“That.. That’s all I wanna hear.” With a soft sigh he turned back around, crossing the room and holding out a hand. Once Jeremy set his hand in Michael’s he felt the soft squeeze of his fingers. “Now.. that I know how hard it was.. All I want is for you to be alright. It.. it feels really good to hear that I can help, like that.”

The smile that spread over Jeremy’s face finally reached his eyes. He followed as Michael pulled him forward, nearly stumbling as he climbed off the bed.

“How long.. have you?”

“God,” Michael ran a hand through his hair as he gave a nervous laugh, swinging their connected hands. “Longer than I care to admit.”

“I’m.. sorry. If.. maybe.. I could have realized earlier and we..”

“Jer. It.. didn’t work like that, though. It couldn’t have.” Michael flashed him a sad smile, pulling him a bit closer. “We.. needed to grow up a bit. We fell out of sync. I wished it would have happened differently but.. we’re our own people now, making our own choices. We aren’t Michael and Jeremy anymore. Now.. I’m Michael and.. you’re Jeremy. It’s better like this.”

“Maybe we can.. be Michael and Jeremy but.. better this time? No codependency.. no.. yeah.”

“I like the sound of that.” As he spoke Michael shifted to pull him in for a tight hug. “I.. I’m still a little mad though but.. I think I get it.”

“And I’m still a little..” He paused, taking a breath. “Hurt.. lonely. But.. I get it, too.”

“Well,” Michael mused, breaking the hug to place hands on Jeremy’s shoulders so he could just look at him. “Let’s work on it. Together.”

“I’d like that.”

The conversation was punctuated with another soft kiss.

Neither thought they’d ever really get used to that.

* * *

“Where are ya at right now?” The words cut through the fog settled over Jeremy’s brain, he felt a finger tap against his temple. “Jer?”

“I’m.. here. I’m okay, sorry.” Giving himself a shake he pushed himself up to sit up straighter on the couch. “Was I spacing?”

Michael nodded, humming softly. 

Jeremy was doing better, he really was. School was just tough. They were already halfway through the semester and he was fighting to keep his grades at a C level. And he was succeeding. For the time being. If things kept up he’d be able to graduate. All of it seemed so close, yet so far at the same time. As he felt himself starting to drift again he saw the poorly veiled concern cross Michael’s face. With a deep breath he forced himself to be present, reaching out to connect their hands.

“What about you?” Jeremy’s voice was soft, unintentionally dripping with a fondness that made Michael bark out a flustered laugh.

“I’m.. good. Real good.” His expression softened and he pulled Jeremy in until he was half sprawled over his lap, holding onto him. “I’m glad you’re here. Glad we’re here, like this.”

They settled into a comfortable silence, in a tangle of limbs collapsed onto Michael’s couch. It was the most comfortable Jeremy had felt in years, safer than he’d felt in so long. He still wasn’t entirely sure what was going on between them but it was good. It was more than good. 

Sure, they only kissed when they were alone. But it wasn’t supposed to be performative! It was just for them, they just weren’t ready to tell anyone. Right? Thinking too hard about it made his nerves light up, made his stomach turn.

“What.. what is here? Uh, us, I mean?” 

“I..” Michael’s face scrunched up and he shifted until they were both sitting, face to face. “I’m not sure?”

“I like you!” Jeremy couldn’t help how his voice squeaked, it dripped with vulnerability.

“Well, I hope so.” Michael tipped his head, unable to bite back a short laugh. “I do too. Uh, like you. A lot.”

“Hah!” Jeremy barked out a laugh, face flushing a deep crimson, he hid his face in his hands. Between his fingers Michael caught glimpses of a toothy smile.

“Holy shit, you’re so fucking cute.” Michael breathed out his own laugh, prying Jeremy’s hands away from his face to thread their fingers together. “I just.. I wanted.. Everything we went through was really hard and I wanted this.. to be good. I just wanted to make sure we weren’t.. rushing into anything.”

“You.. you thought I didn’t really like you.” It was more of a statement than a question - Jeremy hadn’t meant to let it slip out but he couldn’t take it back.

“I just!” Michael winced a bit, dropping his gaze. “It.. felt like a dream.”

“You dream about me?” A goofy smile spread over Jeremy’s face as he pulled his hands away so he could raise them to cup Michael’s face.

They sat in silence for a few moments, Michael leaning into the touch and letting his eyes fall shut.

“I’m.. really sorry. Michael.” Jeremy swallowed thickly, brushing thumbs over his cheeks. “Every day. I just.. hope I can make it all up to you.”

Michael didn’t say anything, just letting his eyes flutter open.

“So.. would, uh. Would you want.. to be my, uh, boyfriend?”

“Yes,” Michael’s voice was breathy and he moved his own arms to wrap around Jeremy’s shoulders, one hand pressing on the back of his head. Their lips met softly and he didn’t bother pulling away to talk, speaking against Jeremy’s lips, “I’d love that.”

“Thank you.”

“Hm?” Michael let his eyes flutter open, their noses were still touching but the kissing was put on hold.

“For being here.”

“‘f course, Jer.”

A content sigh fell from Jeremy’s lips before he closed his eyes again, pressing their lips together for another kiss.

* * *

“About time, Heere.”

Jeremy jolted as he felt the bump against his shoulder, looking to see Rich at his side. “Huh?”

“You and Mikey?” He quirked a brow, grinning lopsidedly. “You guys have been dancing around it since the semester started. All starry-eyed for each other.”

The words were accompanied with Rich waving his hands around a bit.

“Shit, was it that obvious?”

Rich just grinned, giving his shoulder a pat, glancing back towards where the others were shrugging on their laser tags vests.

“Well, I did see you guys holding hands behind the bleachers like.. the third week back at school.”

Jeremy squawked indignantly, making a few confused noises before hiding his face in his hands.

“C’mon asshole, they're waiting for us.” When Jeremy looked back at him he was grinning, it was easy to forget how much venom he used to hold in his words. “It’s.. good to have you back.” 

“I.. thanks.” Jeremy flashed a tense smile, squeaking as Rich jumped up to ruffle his hair. “It’s.. good to be back,” he added on, following Rich as he hooked their arms to drag him back towards everyone else.

A vest was pushed into his hands, everyone was smiling, they all buzzed with conversation and laughter. 

It felt great.

There seemed to be a brief argument about who got to be on Jeremy’s team and he finally was able to believe all of Michael’s promises that everything would be okay. His silence didn’t go unnoticed, though. After a beat he felt Michael’s fingers lock with his own and he looked up to see a reassuring smile on his face. His shoulders relaxed, any tenseness left his body. He was alright, he was okay.

Jeremy Heere was alive.

And he was loved.

For once he could feel it.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments keep me goin!


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